The Heart of A Woman

Lately it has been incredibly hard to accept my singleness. For the first time since I remember I have no one. What I mean by that is, I don't have a boyfriend, not even an almost boyfriend. Not someone who is interested in me, or anyone that I am remotely interested in that way. This is foreign territory for me. Because I have always placed my value in what the male race had to say about me. And since I have abandoned that for the Lord, to grow deeper in him, I am sort of lost.

The aches are real, I can't tell you how many nights I have suffered raw emptiness, wondering why God would withhold this love I desire so badly. I thought I should write about this, to share some of the things the Father has put on my heart about the so-called tragedy of being single. I have had a boyfriend almost every year of my life since I was in grade 2. The last two I have had, were the hardest experiences I have ever had to go through in my life. At the end I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed I had been so needy, so vulnerable, and so naive. But then I wanted to dig deeper to find out why that was.

When my last relationship ended about 10 months ago, for about 2 weeks, I went from my bed to class, to throwing up, and back to bed again, crying out to God and hiding in the darkness of my room. I felt like a total idiot, and so frustrated that it was affecting me so much. My heart was stripped bare and everyone saw my devastation. I couldn't hide it, as I tried so much to. On the night of my most recent break-up I began asking the Lord for strength to heal the many trails of broken heart ties I had with so many people. He brought a good friend to me who said, "You know Sarah, this is only happening because God loves you so much." When I heard that I was furious. How?! Why?! And then I got it. Christ loves me very much, and it pains him to see me in pain, he feels it tenfold. When Christ was on the cross, he wept, and he felt unimaginable pain, but he allowed it. Why? Because he knew what the outcome would be. Which would be salvation available to all. Another chance at redemption and unity with the Father. I got on my knees and started praising the Lord, I couldn't believe he loved me so much, to allow me to go through that much pain, because what was for me on the other side was so much more than that I was currently feeling, which was an chance at being completely unified with the Father. If the blessing was more powerful than that pain, I couldn't imagine what he had for me. And if the man he has for me was better for me, and more suited/kind/respectful than the one I was just with, well, I was just speechless. I began to seek him deeper and deeper and found that perfect 'man' in him. This is still a constant battle between my mind and heart.

I questioned why I felt as though my purpose had been laying within marriage (or largely anyways). I realized that the church puts out this image of men leading woman, without explaining it or presenting a deeper perspective of why God set things up that way.  This leaves women feeling like their purpose lies with being partnered with a male. If they don't have a boyfriend or husband it feels as if they have no purpose and they just have to pray hard enough for prince charming show up at their door. It's sad.

Culture tries to cover up the fire they started with music videos like 'Try' by Colbie Caillat, and the Dove foundation, and a new country song released called Girl in a Country Song. Which is great, but they all give the wrong message. The answer to loneliness isn't to be confident in yourself, and not need anyone. We are imperfect, that's just the truth, and saying we are completely sufficient on our own is nonsense. We need to be confident in Christ, and we are designed for relationship. We do need people. We need our brothers and sisters. The need for intimacy and affirmation is rooted in us, we just need to seek it in the right places. Thats why these videos and campaigns may get us pumped up for a few minutes, but then at the end of the day we still feel brutally alone, and missing something.

Also, why do you think Eve was the final touch of creation? Adam was lonely, something was missing. God created Eve because creation was lacking without her. The union here to emphasize isn't necessarily marriage between Adam and Eve and how they completed each other. It's how they were unified with the Father. So now, Eves are not needed to fulfill Adams. Eves are needed to fulfill the Body of Christ as Adams are, its about the Kingdom. YOU ARE NEEDED. Your vulnerability is beautiful. Still guard your heart, but don't be ashamed of your incredible strength in continually loving and forgiving another. Don't shut down your emotion, its a beautiful piece of the heart of God that needs to be present.

We need to understand the importance of being a woman. As we are. Not what we need to do in order to be that godly woman, or what we need to be valuable. We need to understand our importance in the kingdom as it stands. We are important not because we can offer things in a marriage that a husband can't, we are needed in the kingdom as godly sisters because we fill a void in the body of Christ that our brothers aren't equipped with. That's what it's about. Representing Christ on earth. Not being married, or having a perfect union with another. Despite what people think. The true marriage that is desperately needed is the one between you and Christ. And that needs to be put up on a pedestal, that's how we honour Christ and allow ourselves to be an active part in the Kingdom.

But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.

1 Cor 12:18

This is a lot of talk, and trust me I do not follow this with my heart all the time. There are days where I have sat on my bed, bawling like a fool, and asking God why he would give me such a passion for marriage and motherhood, and then make me wait and watch all my friends get it. And if you are asking the same question I'll say that maybe he is readying your husband and moulding him to be the man who can honour you to full potential. Maybe you need to be moulded more yourself to be able to honour your husband the way God desires. If you don't understand, sharing your frustration with God is okay. I don't know a lot of things but I know that the blessings God has in store for us at the end of the tunnel is well worth it. It is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" -- the things God has prepared for those who love him." (1 Cor 2:9).  Since I have started to completely focus on the Lord, everything has changed. I am not only satisfied with being single, I am happy. Which is something I couldn't even have said in my relationships. I do have my bad days, but all in all, I am a completely different person, experiencing a completely new intimacy with the Father.

If you don't remember anything about this article remember this: It is okay to yearn for relationships. Its not weak, or pathetic, its normal. Ladies, we were made in the image of Christ, which means our hearts and yearnings reflect that of God. Men were designed differently reflecting different parts of Christ's heart. So we shouldn't be ashamed of our strength in the area of vulnerability and longing for intimacy.

I am not writing this to give you answers or some 'how to' points. I am writing this so that hopefully, you can realize the value you already have as a woman. And your part in the world goes far beyond being a wife, mother, or whatever stereotype you have been trapped in. Not to say we are better than men. Trust me, I think men are great and I can't wait for some hunk to get down on one knee and grow in Christ with me (hahaha).  Men are called to lead a family, women tend to see this as negative thing, when Christ really meant it as a blessing. They are meant to lead us because of how they were designed, and we are meant to take a different road, not because we are less important, but because we are meant to offer a number of things that men can't. Again not just within in a marriage, more importantly in the Body of Christ. We shouldn't be worried about how we will fufill a marriage role, we should be concerned with how we are fulfilling our roles in the kingdom right now. If we are doing that right, everything else follows after. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matt. 6:33). That is what truly matters, that is where our purpose lies.


Be blessed.

More (Still Editing)

There's always going to be that last pound. There's always going to be that someone you're trying to forget. I find that the hardest part of life is to be happy, because temporary things can give us please, but that is not the same thing as happiness. Maybe I'm missing it but I have yet to experience long lasting happiness. But I think that's the lie about life. You will find things worthwhile, and God gives you purpose that motivates you to fight, but until the End, there will be never long lasting happiness. I'm sitting outside at night by white Christmas lights and a summer breeze, my most favourite atmosphere. It should be perfect, I should feel happy. But,  I'm missing someone. I feel sad. How does that make any sense at all? Sll my physical senses are being met, but doesnt that say something about life? About God's existence? It has to be more than a physical world. If it was then awhen all our physical needs are met, we would be satisfied. Who cares about moral or emotion. How can we yearn and long for something that doesn't exist? You could say that people yearn to do evil things, and evil things are not right. (For example if someone yearned to kill another to make things 'right', that 'rightness' from killing someone doesn't exist.) My response would be that that person is not truly yearning for the thing they think they are. For example that murderer yearns to kill someone specific, but in reality he is just yearning for attention, love.  Most who commit crimes are yearning for love, for God who is the foundation of everything, without it, things fall right through the cracks, not lasting for very long at all. So if I were just living in a physical world, self-created, then, by my physical needs being met, I would not feel this way. However, if I were designed, then there may be parts of me that are not just physical that need to be paid attention to. That is how I can sit here in physical paradise, and be miserable, missing someone deeply, because none of it is worth it without love.  There's gotta be more than the physical... right?

Cliches

"We can't always change things". Now, I know what you're thinking,  'Totally cliche!", right? Well, yes, but I think this is one of the many phrases that we recite, and rarely believe. I mean, to believe in something you have to actually establish it within your lifestyle, and live accordingly to said assertion. Just like, "Friends are more important than money!". We say it all the time, and yet we tend to put 10x the amount of hours working than we do investing in others' lives. I could continue with"Practise what you preach!", but no one wants to open up that can of worms, despite how important it is to address this issue.
The point of this is, that cliches are annoying. We all want to be original, nobody wants to be caught with jargon that has been said numerously over the past few years, we want to come up with our own thing, our own truth. When people use things like 'live, laugh. love" we laugh at the tackiness, but in reality, isn't it great to be able to live, to laugh, and to love? We laugh at the cheeseballs who use these statements, when in reality, wouldn't we be better off if we actually did follow them? If we did believe in them?
What if we did "practise what we preached", "lived, laughed, and loved", understood that it really does "take one to know one"? I'm not saying all cliches are true, but some definitely are, and the fact that they aren't fancy enough for us, makes us turn our faces away. The emotional simplicity is too much. Because if our significant other (or someone we wished to be our significant other) truly loved us "forever and always" is too good to be true. It really is a beautiful thing. Cliches are beautiful, aren't they? I mean these phrases are one of the few things that most of the world agrees to be true, and yet we are so quick to dismiss them. They float around, and are recited, not believed. Like most of the truth we hold in our hearts. So the next time we hear, "You don't know what you have until it's gone" or "Love your neighbour as yourself", instead of dismissing it like it's something you already know, maybe we should actually believe it.

Is It Over Yet?

Lately I have been wondering why, why is all of this here. Why does God want me to be hit with so many things. Time after time, just being weighed down in all of this, I just don't understand.... What do I do about it? Who do I talk to? I haven't been able to sleep soundly, I am so stressed. And everyone is praising me and telling me I am within the hands of God, and all I can feel myself screaming is WHAT IS THE POINT, if it always going to be this hard. I am furious with God, and I run away because I just don't understand. I don't want to be so entangled in this sin, I don't want to desire anything other than God. But here I am just as soon as I am out of a trial, I'm right back in the next one.

God is just reminding me that my life is going to be like this. If we are christians we will be like this. Our battle is against the principalities and rulers of the world. Satan will be trying to take us down until the day we die. And the more of a threat he finds you to be against the Kingdom of Darkness, the more he will work at dragging you down. So yes you may have a daily struggle. But the thing that God reminds me of is the fact that it will be worth it always, there will never be a time where it isn't worth it because you are fighting the right fight, you are running the right race. The only reason why it is a battle is because you are fighting against your flesh and blood, you are doing the right thing.

You are fighting for a righteous life, and you will be doing that your whole life. Don't expect it to get easier, but you can be sure you will live a blessed life, and having that knowledge at the end of the day is worth it.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

- 1 Peter 4:12-13