The Heart of A Woman

Lately it has been incredibly hard to accept my singleness. For the first time since I remember I have no one. What I mean by that is, I don't have a boyfriend, not even an almost boyfriend. Not someone who is interested in me, or anyone that I am remotely interested in that way. This is foreign territory for me. Because I have always placed my value in what the male race had to say about me. And since I have abandoned that for the Lord, to grow deeper in him, I am sort of lost.

The aches are real, I can't tell you how many nights I have suffered raw emptiness, wondering why God would withhold this love I desire so badly. I thought I should write about this, to share some of the things the Father has put on my heart about the so-called tragedy of being single. I have had a boyfriend almost every year of my life since I was in grade 2. The last two I have had, were the hardest experiences I have ever had to go through in my life. At the end I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed I had been so needy, so vulnerable, and so naive. But then I wanted to dig deeper to find out why that was.

When my last relationship ended about 10 months ago, for about 2 weeks, I went from my bed to class, to throwing up, and back to bed again, crying out to God and hiding in the darkness of my room. I felt like a total idiot, and so frustrated that it was affecting me so much. My heart was stripped bare and everyone saw my devastation. I couldn't hide it, as I tried so much to. On the night of my most recent break-up I began asking the Lord for strength to heal the many trails of broken heart ties I had with so many people. He brought a good friend to me who said, "You know Sarah, this is only happening because God loves you so much." When I heard that I was furious. How?! Why?! And then I got it. Christ loves me very much, and it pains him to see me in pain, he feels it tenfold. When Christ was on the cross, he wept, and he felt unimaginable pain, but he allowed it. Why? Because he knew what the outcome would be. Which would be salvation available to all. Another chance at redemption and unity with the Father. I got on my knees and started praising the Lord, I couldn't believe he loved me so much, to allow me to go through that much pain, because what was for me on the other side was so much more than that I was currently feeling, which was an chance at being completely unified with the Father. If the blessing was more powerful than that pain, I couldn't imagine what he had for me. And if the man he has for me was better for me, and more suited/kind/respectful than the one I was just with, well, I was just speechless. I began to seek him deeper and deeper and found that perfect 'man' in him. This is still a constant battle between my mind and heart.

I questioned why I felt as though my purpose had been laying within marriage (or largely anyways). I realized that the church puts out this image of men leading woman, without explaining it or presenting a deeper perspective of why God set things up that way.  This leaves women feeling like their purpose lies with being partnered with a male. If they don't have a boyfriend or husband it feels as if they have no purpose and they just have to pray hard enough for prince charming show up at their door. It's sad.

Culture tries to cover up the fire they started with music videos like 'Try' by Colbie Caillat, and the Dove foundation, and a new country song released called Girl in a Country Song. Which is great, but they all give the wrong message. The answer to loneliness isn't to be confident in yourself, and not need anyone. We are imperfect, that's just the truth, and saying we are completely sufficient on our own is nonsense. We need to be confident in Christ, and we are designed for relationship. We do need people. We need our brothers and sisters. The need for intimacy and affirmation is rooted in us, we just need to seek it in the right places. Thats why these videos and campaigns may get us pumped up for a few minutes, but then at the end of the day we still feel brutally alone, and missing something.

Also, why do you think Eve was the final touch of creation? Adam was lonely, something was missing. God created Eve because creation was lacking without her. The union here to emphasize isn't necessarily marriage between Adam and Eve and how they completed each other. It's how they were unified with the Father. So now, Eves are not needed to fulfill Adams. Eves are needed to fulfill the Body of Christ as Adams are, its about the Kingdom. YOU ARE NEEDED. Your vulnerability is beautiful. Still guard your heart, but don't be ashamed of your incredible strength in continually loving and forgiving another. Don't shut down your emotion, its a beautiful piece of the heart of God that needs to be present.

We need to understand the importance of being a woman. As we are. Not what we need to do in order to be that godly woman, or what we need to be valuable. We need to understand our importance in the kingdom as it stands. We are important not because we can offer things in a marriage that a husband can't, we are needed in the kingdom as godly sisters because we fill a void in the body of Christ that our brothers aren't equipped with. That's what it's about. Representing Christ on earth. Not being married, or having a perfect union with another. Despite what people think. The true marriage that is desperately needed is the one between you and Christ. And that needs to be put up on a pedestal, that's how we honour Christ and allow ourselves to be an active part in the Kingdom.

But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.

1 Cor 12:18

This is a lot of talk, and trust me I do not follow this with my heart all the time. There are days where I have sat on my bed, bawling like a fool, and asking God why he would give me such a passion for marriage and motherhood, and then make me wait and watch all my friends get it. And if you are asking the same question I'll say that maybe he is readying your husband and moulding him to be the man who can honour you to full potential. Maybe you need to be moulded more yourself to be able to honour your husband the way God desires. If you don't understand, sharing your frustration with God is okay. I don't know a lot of things but I know that the blessings God has in store for us at the end of the tunnel is well worth it. It is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" -- the things God has prepared for those who love him." (1 Cor 2:9).  Since I have started to completely focus on the Lord, everything has changed. I am not only satisfied with being single, I am happy. Which is something I couldn't even have said in my relationships. I do have my bad days, but all in all, I am a completely different person, experiencing a completely new intimacy with the Father.

If you don't remember anything about this article remember this: It is okay to yearn for relationships. Its not weak, or pathetic, its normal. Ladies, we were made in the image of Christ, which means our hearts and yearnings reflect that of God. Men were designed differently reflecting different parts of Christ's heart. So we shouldn't be ashamed of our strength in the area of vulnerability and longing for intimacy.

I am not writing this to give you answers or some 'how to' points. I am writing this so that hopefully, you can realize the value you already have as a woman. And your part in the world goes far beyond being a wife, mother, or whatever stereotype you have been trapped in. Not to say we are better than men. Trust me, I think men are great and I can't wait for some hunk to get down on one knee and grow in Christ with me (hahaha).  Men are called to lead a family, women tend to see this as negative thing, when Christ really meant it as a blessing. They are meant to lead us because of how they were designed, and we are meant to take a different road, not because we are less important, but because we are meant to offer a number of things that men can't. Again not just within in a marriage, more importantly in the Body of Christ. We shouldn't be worried about how we will fufill a marriage role, we should be concerned with how we are fulfilling our roles in the kingdom right now. If we are doing that right, everything else follows after. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matt. 6:33). That is what truly matters, that is where our purpose lies.


Be blessed.

You Are Needed, Just As You Are

Now if the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should sau, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them. to be.

1 Corinthians 12:15-18

   One of the biggest problems in our society today, even within christian culture, is comparison. There is a feeling of inadequacy that is overwhelming. We aren't good enough. Not strong enough, thin enough, smart enough, determined enough. When we look in the scripture Paul is addressing this issue reminding us that we are just as Christ wants us to be. We are strung together with specific talents and strengths that are just as important in the body of Christ as any other. When we wish to have another's gift, we are forsaking the gift we ourselves were given by God to use. The body is lacking because we are focused on other people's accomplishments and neglecting to cherish and take hold of our own. You are a child of God, you are needed, as part of the body of Christ; YOU are needed to fulfill something no one else could. If that were the case, God would have made replicas.  "If they were all one part, where would the body be?" v19

"Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret?" v29-30

I think the proper response is "nope."

 Remember that today as you go about your day. You are made whole in Christ, and he is moulding you to be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Don't focus on someone else's accomplishments because "those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable." v22 YOU are indispensable, your talents, your strengths, who YOU are is indispensable. 

You are loved. Have a great day.

Psalm 30 Thoughts

My wailing has turned into dancing. 

Psalm 30:9

Quite fed up, I sat on my bed and didn't know what to do. I was restless, but lazy. I figured I should open God's Word because I hadn't done so in a while. I really had no idea where to turn in the book, but then I remembered that it was the 30th so I went to Psalm 30. This is what I do when I can't decide on what book to read in the Bible. 

The first verses that came to my attention were:

"What is gained if I am silenced,

if I go down to the pit?"

I had have been job searching for the past month, and for those of you who have done this, you know how infuriating the process can be. I have been straining and straining, spending money to apply to places, most of which don't even call back. Either I am a crummy prospect or job searching sucks extraordinarily. Why am I so fixed on getting a job? So I can pay for rent, so I can live here and go to school. But this verse really grounded me and it as if God was saying "Remember if you aren't striving for the right reasons, all of this effort is for nothing." When we get to heaven, Jesus isn't going to be like, so while you were searching for a job, did you get one? No. He's going to ask "Were you honouring me in the process? Were your efforts for a righteous end?". 

The second verses that came to my attention were:

"You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.

Lord my God, I will praise you forever."

God really brought shook me up and said "Remember when I delivered you before? Why wouldn't I do this now?" Job or no job, God will always have me where he wants me. He has turned my wailing into dancing. Whether its a silly job search, or the suffering of losing a loved one. He's there, and turning ashes into beauty! Look at us! 

I know it wasn't much. Just a simple reminder of how God provides. God bless.

Before You Walk On Water

So everybody knows the section in John where Peter walks on water. The general underlying lesson would be a faith lesson. You will walk on water if you trust Jesus to keep you above the surface; but if you doubt, you will sink. However I wanted to surface another important issue that is involved in the scripture involving the time when Jesus walked on water.

First lets look at the text involved:

Jesus Walks on Water [John 6:16-24]

"When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. When they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were frightened. But he said to them, "It is I; don't be afraid." Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading."

So when the disciples were without Jesus and the waters grew rough, they were frightened. Even when Jesus approached the boat the scripture says "they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were frightened." They did not know who Jesus was at this point, all they knew was that this unknown figure was moving towards them. Of course they were afraid! How could they trust something they knew nothing about? Then scripture says "But he said to them, 'It is I; don't be afraid." Notice the semicolon, it is a substitute for 'therefore'. It is I, Jesus, therefore you should not fear. The disciples then "were willing to take him into the boat". It wasn't until Jesus revealed himself to them,  were they willing to trust him and take him into their boat. 

We can sort of see how this relates to our lives. Our heart is the boat. We are being lead through rough waters, and we are approached by Jesus, but it isn't until we understand who he is, do we let him into our heart. The more we get to know Jesus, the more we are willing to trust him. Usually the journey is not getting from one place to another, its a matter of trusting God to get us there. 

The remaining verse in the paragraph is  "and immediately the boat reached the shore they were heading." After Jesus received their trust, their faith, he carried them straight to where they needed to be. If they had tried to brave the storm without Jesus, they may not have ever made it to where they wanted to be. Whats even better is they had Jesus with them. Just like in our lives we need to ask the Lord to reveal himself to us. So even though we may not know what will happen in the future, or what God may ask of us in certain situations, we know God, and we trust that he is good. That is when he uses us, and takes us where we were meant to be. 

1 Peter 1:12

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!

According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born

again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ 

from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled,

and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are

being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed

in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, 

if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the 

tested genuineness of your faith- more precious than gold that

perishes though it is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise

and glory and honour at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you 

have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, 

you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled

 with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of 

your souls. Concerning this salvation, the prophets who prophesied 

about the grace that was to be yours searched and inquired carefully, 

inquiring what person or time the Spirit of Christ in them was 

indication when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the subsequent

glories. It was revealed to them that they were serving not themselves 

but you, in the things that have now been announced to you through

those who preached the good news to you by the Holy Spirit sent

from heaven, things into which angels long to look." 

Finding Him Again and Again; Part 2

So I realize the prior blog was a lot about my experiences and not so much based on scripture. So last night I really wanted to Lord to reveal to me a passage about this battle that I keep failing. Your battle may be different. I knew I was being disobedient after everything, I still was stuck. So I just begged God to not be angry with me, I couldn't take another person disappointed in me.

Then I opened my bible to Acts, and not recalling this story before, I received hope and a newness that I ached for.  I am going to type out the chapter, but you don't have to read it all.

The Storm; Acts 27:13-25

13 When a gentle south wind began to blow, they saw their opportunity; so they weighed anchor and sailed along the shore of Crete. 14 Before very long, a wind of hurricane force, called the Northeaster, swept down from the island. 15 The ship was caught by the storm and could not head into the wind; so we gave way to it and were driven along. 16 As we passed to the lee of a small island called Cauda, we were hardly able to make the lifeboatsecure, 17 so the men hoisted it aboard. Then they passed ropes under the ship itself to hold it together. Because they were afraid they would run aground on the sandbars of Syrtis, they lowered the sea anchor[a] and let the ship be driven along. 18 We took such a violent battering from the storm that the next day they began to throw the cargo overboard. 19 On the third day, they threw the ship’s tackle overboard with their own hands. 20 When neither sun nor stars appeared for many days and the storm continued raging, we finally gave up all hope of being saved.

²¹ After they had gone a long time without food, Paul stood up before them and said: “Men, you should have taken my advice not to sail from Crete;then you would have spared yourselves this damage and loss. ²² But now I urge you to keep up your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed. ²³ Last night an angel of the God to whom I belong and whom I serve stood beside me ²⁴ and said, ‘Do not be afraid, Paul. You must stand trial before Caesar; and God has graciously given you the lives of all who sail with you.’ ²⁵ So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me. 26 Nevertheless, we must run aground on some island. 

The significance in the passage that has to do with what I am talking about, lies within verse 21 and 22.  Paul was saying to the men that even though you were DISOBEDIENT and went the WRONG way knowingly, YOU WILL NOT BE LOST. Put your faith in God! Paul says "you should have taken my advice, but NOW[that you have entered the consequences of your sin, now that this storm has come because of your disobedience] I urge you to keep up your courage!" Not that you have brought the storm upon yourself you have to fight! God may not have wanted you to get into this mess, he doesn't want you to be hurting or stuck in this rut, but listen to Pauls words. Have courage!!! Only the ship will be destroyed. Now I'm no hermeneutics professor or theologian, but my opinion is that the ship could represent our sin, the thing that is driving us away from what God instructs us. For me it represents that God is chipping away and destroying our flesh as we grow closer to him, getting rid of the 'ship', and we will be spared because we are his. Another aspect of this verse is the fact that Paul promises deliverance but in 26 they have to stop and wait at a island because the storm is too bad. This can paint a picture, representing that it may take us longer to get where we were meant to be because of our disobedience, we may have to stop and allow God to work in us before moving forward.  In a sermon, John MacDonald said a very wise thing, "We should be living like we already won, because we have, Christ has already won for us, the victory is ours." Run the race like you are a winner, not a loser, because as long as you have accepted Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour, you can't lose!!! Amen!!

Finding Him Again and Again

"I give it all to You God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me."
-Will Reagan & United Pursuit

... God bless me with Your presence.

I have been feeling very failurish, if you will, and very frustrated. I have been stuck in the same sin for a long time. No matter what I do, or how severe the circumstance is, I always seem to get stuck in the mud and crawl back to the shadows. I spend money. All the time. I have no idea why, perhaps I think I will gain more value with the things I have. I feel like its how I attempt to express my identity. By the clothes I wear, or the things I buy. Whatever the reason, it has to stop. I am now at -2.77 dollars in my account. With 1000 on my credit card, and 2000 owing on tuition before May, not to mention rent at 230 a month. I am embarrassed, and humiliated, and I am in this mess because of my own shortcomings. I sponsor 3 kids, and only make about 300 total a month from the job I have at the moment, being a full time student it isn't always easy to work work around classes. I'm confessing this because although you may not struggle with my problem, you may struggle with other things, like pornography addictions, alcohol, self-harm, depression, anxiety (me as well). This world does not make it easy to commit to God and live a righteous life.

I have to continually fall at the feet of Jesus and pray for a breakthrough. Sometimes I get one, and I am good for a few months. Then I find myself here again, questioning WHAT IS THE POINT IF I AM JUST GOING TO FAIL AGAIN?! The point is that we may not get better. It may always be a daily fight. The point is that Jesus meets us where we are. Yes I am all for faith in God and that he can make miracles, but the wait is not easy. I wanted to married by now, with kids, and travel the world doing missions together. I wanted to have seen so many other places by now, but God needs to do more work in me first. I think that work happens when we admit, no we have not changed in that area, we are not better, we are still very much enslaved to that problem. I cannot be married to someone and still have this problem. It will tear our marriage to shreds. I bring me into a marriage. No matter what I struggle with, we bring that into marriage and it is no longer just our problem, it spreads like poison into our spouse, and our kids. We plant roots, good and bad in the lives of our family. And I know this is one root I want to end with me.

So even now as I sit with all this shame, I need to believe that God will change my heart. I can hold myself back from buying things all I want and say I have changed but this is a heart issue. God needs to be the heart moulder. So we can ask, "Then why hasn't he already?" Well... have you let him? Have you been honest with yourself and others about where you truly sit in this problem? Trying to convince others and yourself you are fine when you are not only slows the problem down. I am writing this as my first step to actually changing. I have an addiction to spending money. AAAHHH sorry a bird just landed on my shoulder and scared the crap outta me. The dudes been looking over my shoulder for like an hour. Anyways the Lord told me to read Psalm 19.

This is what I got from the verses:

- Following the word of the Lord brings joy to our hearts
- Creation itself declares He is near, that He is God, His glory constantly surrounds us through his creation.
- side thought: The magnificence of a sunrise displays his hand at work. We are not alone. We have a God that makes sure the sun rises and sets every day. That is not an absent God. If he keeps the ants alive for a purpose, why wouldn't he be concerned about us?
- "The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The decrees of the Lord are firm, and all of them are righteous." Psalm 19:9
- "Keep your servant AHHHHH (bird again) ... Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me." Psalm 19:3


That is such a huge one, let me write it again in capitals "KEEP YOUR SERVANT ALSO FROM WILLFUL SINS; MAY THEY NOT RULE OVER ME..." PSALM 19:13

..... but who can discern their own errors? forgive my hidden faults...... Psalm 12


I pray for all of you who are struggling with addictions, remember we have no shame left to oppress us, Christ has already lifted it off. All we have to do is to confess and pray like mad that he changes our heart, working as hard as we can to abide by a righteous life.


-Sarah Beth