Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Finding Him Again and Again

"I give it all to You God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me."
-Will Reagan & United Pursuit

... God bless me with Your presence.

I have been feeling very failurish, if you will, and very frustrated. I have been stuck in the same sin for a long time. No matter what I do, or how severe the circumstance is, I always seem to get stuck in the mud and crawl back to the shadows. I spend money. All the time. I have no idea why, perhaps I think I will gain more value with the things I have. I feel like its how I attempt to express my identity. By the clothes I wear, or the things I buy. Whatever the reason, it has to stop. I am now at -2.77 dollars in my account. With 1000 on my credit card, and 2000 owing on tuition before May, not to mention rent at 230 a month. I am embarrassed, and humiliated, and I am in this mess because of my own shortcomings. I sponsor 3 kids, and only make about 300 total a month from the job I have at the moment, being a full time student it isn't always easy to work work around classes. I'm confessing this because although you may not struggle with my problem, you may struggle with other things, like pornography addictions, alcohol, self-harm, depression, anxiety (me as well). This world does not make it easy to commit to God and live a righteous life.

I have to continually fall at the feet of Jesus and pray for a breakthrough. Sometimes I get one, and I am good for a few months. Then I find myself here again, questioning WHAT IS THE POINT IF I AM JUST GOING TO FAIL AGAIN?! The point is that we may not get better. It may always be a daily fight. The point is that Jesus meets us where we are. Yes I am all for faith in God and that he can make miracles, but the wait is not easy. I wanted to married by now, with kids, and travel the world doing missions together. I wanted to have seen so many other places by now, but God needs to do more work in me first. I think that work happens when we admit, no we have not changed in that area, we are not better, we are still very much enslaved to that problem. I cannot be married to someone and still have this problem. It will tear our marriage to shreds. I bring me into a marriage. No matter what I struggle with, we bring that into marriage and it is no longer just our problem, it spreads like poison into our spouse, and our kids. We plant roots, good and bad in the lives of our family. And I know this is one root I want to end with me.

So even now as I sit with all this shame, I need to believe that God will change my heart. I can hold myself back from buying things all I want and say I have changed but this is a heart issue. God needs to be the heart moulder. So we can ask, "Then why hasn't he already?" Well... have you let him? Have you been honest with yourself and others about where you truly sit in this problem? Trying to convince others and yourself you are fine when you are not only slows the problem down. I am writing this as my first step to actually changing. I have an addiction to spending money. AAAHHH sorry a bird just landed on my shoulder and scared the crap outta me. The dudes been looking over my shoulder for like an hour. Anyways the Lord told me to read Psalm 19.

This is what I got from the verses:

- Following the word of the Lord brings joy to our hearts
- Creation itself declares He is near, that He is God, His glory constantly surrounds us through his creation.
- side thought: The magnificence of a sunrise displays his hand at work. We are not alone. We have a God that makes sure the sun rises and sets every day. That is not an absent God. If he keeps the ants alive for a purpose, why wouldn't he be concerned about us?
- "The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The decrees of the Lord are firm, and all of them are righteous." Psalm 19:9
- "Keep your servant AHHHHH (bird again) ... Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me." Psalm 19:3

That is such a huge one, let me write it again in capitals "KEEP YOUR SERVANT ALSO FROM WILLFUL SINS; MAY THEY NOT RULE OVER ME..." PSALM 19:13

..... but who can discern their own errors? forgive my hidden faults...... Psalm 12

I pray for all of you who are struggling with addictions, remember we have no shame left to oppress us, Christ has already lifted it off. All we have to do is to confess and pray like mad that he changes our heart, working as hard as we can to abide by a righteous life.

-Sarah Beth

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