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Sunday, 4 January 2015

Strangers


Grass hides beneath the frost outside
And I dream, of places that I could hide
I could sleep beside You among the willow trees
Until the storm is over

Walking through the fresh air, raindrops kissing my nose
Dodging all unhappiness in glee.
As I ponder up to You, I wonder
What happened to being the bright eyed girl
You told me to be

I’m always told to be
Why can’t I just be me?

So just stop being a stranger
And listen to the love that’s pouring from my heart
Can you stop being a ghost in my dreams
Wouldn’t you like to lay, Wouldn’t you like to lie

Among the willow trees with me?

Monday, 22 December 2014

We Are His






     This morning I got up and came downstairs to do my devos. Opening up my devotional, I realized I needed to finish the section regarding being made in God's image. I sort of invisibly rolled my eyes. Every christian knows that. That I am loved by God, and I am cherished, and blah blah blah.

     It's crazy how we can internally think these sorts of things automatically without even realize the extent of the condition our hearts are in. That is why it is so important to be in constant prayer that God is moulding us, and renew our minds. We need his heart handiwork. 

    Anyways, upon reading all the scripture that confirms I am his, and wonderfully made, (even now as I write), tears immediately flooded my eyes, and I was filled with emotion. Confused, I tried to shake it off, not knowing why exactly I was crying. It was, probably, a mixture of things. However I eventually realized I was crying on account of being reminded of the countless times I had asked for my death, discounted myself, sung of misery, and was just downright ungrateful for my life.

“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob, all the remnant of the people of Israel, you whom I have upheld since your birth, and have carried since you were born. Even to your old age and grey hairs  I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
.....Isaiah 46:3-4

"Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."
.....Genesis 2:7

"For you created my inmost beingyou knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
......Psalm 139: 13&14

"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
......Isaiah 49:16

       After reading the scripture above, my heart began to soften, and the tears turned to sobs.  God began to speak to me. Saying he not only made me for a purpose, but he cherished and adored me. He gave us life, he breathed into us and then we were living people. Oh how He loves us! How he desires to shower us in affection! We need to go deeper into the chambers of his heart, and be one with his.  Hebrews 11:6 says,  "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." 

      Earnestly seek him, and let him show you what it means to be made in His image. When we insult ourselves, we insult the handiwork of God. That is a serious issue. It is not to be shrugged off, but to be taken as truth. Not that we are anything, but God is everything. And we are engraved on the palms of his hands... 

Monday, 15 December 2014

Suffering As A Christian [Week 2]

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God."
1 Peter 4:1&2

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.  If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name...Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good."

1 Peter 4:12-16,19

It has been a couple weeks since God really broke me down in this journey of conquering my anxiety. The Lord has really been working and through it all, I have gained so much closeness with him. As I look at the verses above it not only gives me hope, but assurance that God still has me in his hands, and it is not something that I should be surprised of. Christ is refining me through his perfect fire, and suffering is a part of the christian walk. Although many do not agree. However when we look at the Bible, there are many cases of godly men and women who suffered for the sake of God. Stephen, was martyred, Paul was beaten and imprisoned, Job suffered substantially, many were starved and persecuted. The list goes on and on. Not to mention the most important suffering as all, that of Jesus Christ. Our whole lives God will be working through us and it will not always feel good. If God is surfacing, confronting, and conquering your fears/anxieties, it will not be a pleasant thing. However there is so much beauty in it! God is not a God of avoidance. He does not just remove obstacles, he completely destroys them! That takes more time, but there is a strengthening, and growth that happens when he does that. We would never learn anything from our trials or be equipped to handle the next harsh season of our life, if we never actually got over what had us in the first place.


So if you are going through something insanely hard, just know that God is in it. Cling to him, and milk your trial for all that it's worth. God will continue to work in you. Don't let a perfect suffering go to waste. The Lord wants to work it for your good, and for his purpose. So don't be afraid to feel pain, or experience unpleasant circumstances. For that is when we most clearly see God come through for us. He will come through for us. He does not delay. He provides our every need. Sometimes its just a matter of clinging to him for dear life and being patient in affliction. Just remember to be in prayer with him and be thankful for all the blessings he has given you, no matter what!!


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." 

Philippians 4:6

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Matthew 6:24

"Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all."

Matthew 6:31&32

Monday, 8 December 2014

Sunday, 7 December 2014

More Like Paul: A Blog Amidst the Journey

This week has probably been one of the hardest. However, I have never grown more in my walk with God. The Lord led me to write this blog to reach out to those who are suffering like me from anxiety. It has been a constant feeling of anxiety that has been on me for about a week now, I can't eat, have trouble sleeping, and sometimes I just want to scream. The colour has drained completely from my skin, and the gnawing pain of hunger and worry scrape my insides. I don't know when this will end, but I do know that the Lord has not given me more than I can handle.


God has taught me through all this continually that there is beauty in suffering. The biggest reminder of this has been from reading scripture, lately, specifically from 2 Corinthians 11 & 12. Paul is talking about his daily sufferings that have taken a hold of him.


"24 Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; 26 on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people,danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; 27 in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food,[b] in cold and exposure.28 And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches. 29 Who is weak, and I am not weak? Who is made to fall, and I am not indignant?"


2 COR.11: 24-29



 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 COR. 12:7-10


This scripture shows that healing is not always a matter of 'calling out'. Sometimes we need to learn what it means to suffer as a Christian. God doesn't always relieve things right away. This doesn't mean that he will never. But sincerely look at the situation. Are you still willing to praise God and be thankful for the blessings in your life despite what your situation looks like? God has given me grace to see my pride and the fact that I only cling to him through hard times, and have a lot of trouble dedicating my heart to him when things are going well. This is not what our relationship should look like. Don't get me wrong, I do not think God is punishing me. He is refining me. One day there will be complete healing, but as I take it day by day, it is easier when I remember there is healing in the journey. And my closeness to God allows me to see clearly all these prayers being answered (friends to pray with me, take me for walks, exercise, healthy food, counselling, the Word) My spirit is well, although my flesh is tearing me apart. 

Paul pleads with God to take away the thorn three times, and God answers saying that his grace is sufficient for him. That his power is made perfect in his weakness. We do not necessarily know what his thorn was, but for me, my thorn, is anxiety. Healing takes time. I have been anxious since I was a little girl. Why? Who knows, but now I need to deal with it. 
Another time in the bible where 'slow healing' occurs is Mark 8: 24-25. Jesus heals a blind man and he does it in a two stages. He did it twice. Does this mean that Jesus couldn't have healed the man in one go? NO! It just means that his power is made perfect in weakness. In order for us to be moulded, sometimes it takes time.

Personally the things I wanted God to work in me was self-discipline, patience, and hope.  All those things are being met with this struggle I am having. I am sure there will be more to come. Just know you are not alone in this if you struggle as I do. I love you, and I am praying for you.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

The Heart of A Woman







Lately it has been incredibly hard to accept my singleness. For the first time since I remember I have no one. What I mean by that is, I don't have a boyfriend, not even an almost boyfriend. Not someone who is interested in me, or anyone that I am remotely interested in that way. This is foreign territory for me. Because I have always placed my value in what the male race had to say about me. And since I have abandoned that for the Lord, to grow deeper in him, I am sort of lost.

The aches are real, I can't tell you how many nights I have suffered raw emptiness, wondering why God would withhold this love I desire so badly. I thought I should write about this, to share some of the things the Father has put on my heart about the so-called tragedy of being single. I have had a boyfriend almost every year of my life since I was in grade 2. The last two I have had, were the hardest experiences I have ever had to go through in my life. At the end I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed I had been so needy, so vulnerable, and so naive. But then I wanted to dig deeper to find out why that was.

When my last relationship ended about 10 months ago, for about 2 weeks, I went from my bed to class, to throwing up, and back to bed again, crying out to God and hiding in the darkness of my room. I felt like a total idiot, and so frustrated that it was affecting me so much. My heart was stripped bare and everyone saw my devastation. I couldn't hide it, as I tried so much to. On the night of my most recent break-up I began asking the Lord for strength to heal the many trails of broken heart ties I had with so many people. He brought a good friend to me who said, "You know Sarah, this is only happening because God loves you so much." When I heard that I was furious. How?! Why?! And then I got it. Christ loves me very much, and it pains him to see me in pain, he feels it tenfold. When Christ was on the cross, he wept, and he felt unimaginable pain, but he allowed it. Why? Because he knew what the outcome would be. Which would be salvation available to all. Another chance at redemption and unity with the Father. I got on my knees and started praising the Lord, I couldn't believe he loved me so much, to allow me to go through that much pain, because what was for me on the other side was so much more than that I was currently feeling, which was an chance at being completely unified with the Father. If the blessing was more powerful than that pain, I couldn't imagine what he had for me. And if the man he has for me was better for me, and more suited/kind/respectful than the one I was just with, well, I was just speechless. I began to seek him deeper and deeper and found that perfect 'man' in him. This is still a constant battle between my mind and heart.

I questioned why I felt as though my purpose had been laying within marriage (or largely anyways). I realized that the church puts out this image of men leading woman, without explaining it or presenting a deeper perspective of why God set things up that way.  This leaves women feeling like their purpose lies with being partnered with a male. If they don't have a boyfriend or husband it feels as if they have no purpose and they just have to pray hard enough for prince charming show up at their door. It's sad.

Culture tries to cover up the fire they started with music videos like 'Try' by Colbie Caillat, and the Dove foundation, and a new country song released called Girl in a Country Song. Which is great, but they all give the wrong message. The answer to loneliness isn't to be confident in yourself, and not need anyone. We are imperfect, that's just the truth, and saying we are completely sufficient on our own is nonsense. We need to be confident in Christ, and we are designed for relationship. We do need people. We need our brothers and sisters. The need for intimacy and affirmation is rooted in us, we just need to seek it in the right places. Thats why these videos and campaigns may get us pumped up for a few minutes, but then at the end of the day we still feel brutally alone, and missing something.

Also, why do you think Eve was the final touch of creation? Adam was lonely, something was missing. God created Eve because creation was lacking without her. The union here to emphasize isn't necessarily marriage between Adam and Eve and how they completed each other. It's how they were unified with the Father. So now, Eves are not needed to fulfill Adams. Eves are needed to fulfill the Body of Christ as Adams are, its about the Kingdom. YOU ARE NEEDED. Your vulnerability is beautiful. Still guard your heart, but don't be ashamed of your incredible strength in continually loving and forgiving another. Don't shut down your emotion, its a beautiful piece of the heart of God that needs to be present.

We need to understand the importance of being a woman. As we are. Not what we need to do in order to be that godly woman, or what we need to be valuable. We need to understand our importance in the kingdom as it stands. We are important not because we can offer things in a marriage that a husband can't, we are needed in the kingdom as godly sisters because we fill a void in the body of Christ that our brothers aren't equipped with. That's what it's about. Representing Christ on earth. Not being married, or having a perfect union with another. Despite what people think. The true marriage that is desperately needed is the one between you and Christ. And that needs to be put up on a pedestal, that's how we honour Christ and allow ourselves to be an active part in the Kingdom.

But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.
1 Cor 12:18

This is a lot of talk, and trust me I do not follow this with my heart all the time. There are days where I have sat on my bed, bawling like a fool, and asking God why he would give me such a passion for marriage and motherhood, and then make me wait and watch all my friends get it. And if you are asking the same question I'll say that maybe he is readying your husband and moulding him to be the man who can honour you to full potential. Maybe you need to be moulded more yourself to be able to honour your husband the way God desires. If you don't understand, sharing your frustration with God is okay. I don't know a lot of things but I know that the blessings God has in store for us at the end of the tunnel is well worth it. It is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" -- the things God has prepared for those who love him." (1 Cor 2:9).  Since I have started to completely focus on the Lord, everything has changed. I am not only satisfied with being single, I am happy. Which is something I couldn't even have said in my relationships. I do have my bad days, but all in all, I am a completely different person, experiencing a completely new intimacy with the Father.

If you don't remember anything about this article remember this: It is okay to yearn for relationships. Its not weak, or pathetic, its normal. Ladies, we were made in the image of Christ, which means our hearts and yearnings reflect that of God. Men were designed differently reflecting different parts of Christ's heart. So we shouldn't be ashamed of our strength in the area of vulnerability and longing for intimacy.

I am not writing this to give you answers or some 'how to' points. I am writing this so that hopefully, you can realize the value you already have as a woman. And your part in the world goes far beyond being a wife, mother, or whatever stereotype you have been trapped in. Not to say we are better than men. Trust me, I think men are great and I can't wait for some hunk to get down on one knee and grow in Christ with me (hahaha).  Men are called to lead a family, women tend to see this as negative thing, when Christ really meant it as a blessing. They are meant to lead us because of how they were designed, and we are meant to take a different road, not because we are less important, but because we are meant to offer a number of things that men can't. Again not just within in a marriage, more importantly in the Body of Christ. We shouldn't be worried about how we will fufill a marriage role, we should be concerned with how we are fulfilling our roles in the kingdom right now. If we are doing that right, everything else follows after. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matt. 6:33). That is what truly matters, that is where our purpose lies.


Be blessed.




Friday, 8 August 2014

Questions of A Truth Seeker

God you are sovereign. But what happens if your book says I go left, but my feet go right? Is this your will that I change courses in the night? Or did you just know which path I would take but didn't predestine my journey that's made? How does it work? Did you choose me or I you? I want to follow you in all I do. But I am forced to ask these questions now. I want to know what, when, who, where and how. Show me your ways, let me bask in your light. Maybe all I've ever know is that I'm fighting the good fight.