Lately it has been incredibly hard to accept my singleness. For the first time since I remember I have no one. What I mean by that is, I don't have a boyfriend, not even an almost boyfriend. Not someone who is interested in me, or anyone that I am remotely interested in that way. This is foreign territory for me. Because I have always placed my value in what the male race had to say about me. And since I have abandoned that for the Lord, to grow deeper in him, I am sort of lost.
The aches are real, I can't tell you how many nights I have suffered raw emptiness, wondering why God would withhold this love I desire so badly. I thought I should write about this, to share some of the things the Father has put on my heart about the so-called tragedy of being single. I have had a boyfriend almost every year of my life since I was in grade 2. The last two I have had, were the hardest experiences I have ever had to go through in my life. At the end I felt embarrassed. Embarrassed I had been so needy, so vulnerable, and so naive. But then I wanted to dig deeper to find out why that was.
When my last relationship ended about 10 months ago, for about 2 weeks, I went from my bed to class, to throwing up, and back to bed again, crying out to God and hiding in the darkness of my room. I felt like a total idiot, and so frustrated that it was affecting me so much. My heart was stripped bare and everyone saw my devastation. I couldn't hide it, as I tried so much to. On the night of my most recent break-up I began asking the Lord for strength to heal the many trails of broken heart ties I had with so many people. He brought a good friend to me who said, "You know Sarah, this is only happening because God loves you so much." When I heard that I was furious. How?! Why?! And then I got it. Christ loves me very much, and it pains him to see me in pain, he feels it tenfold. When Christ was on the cross, he wept, and he felt unimaginable pain, but he allowed it. Why? Because he knew what the outcome would be. Which would be salvation available to all. Another chance at redemption and unity with the Father. I got on my knees and started praising the Lord, I couldn't believe he loved me so much, to allow me to go through that much pain, because what was for me on the other side was so much more than that I was currently feeling, which was an chance at being completely unified with the Father. If the blessing was more powerful than that pain, I couldn't imagine what he had for me. And if the man he has for me was better for me, and more suited/kind/respectful than the one I was just with, well, I was just speechless. I began to seek him deeper and deeper and found that perfect 'man' in him. This is still a constant battle between my mind and heart.
I questioned why I felt as though my purpose had been laying within marriage (or largely anyways). I realized that the church puts out this image of men leading woman, without explaining it or presenting a deeper perspective of why God set things up that way. This leaves women feeling like their purpose lies with being partnered with a male. If they don't have a boyfriend or husband it feels as if they have no purpose and they just have to pray hard enough for prince charming show up at their door. It's sad.
Culture tries to cover up the fire they started with music videos like 'Try' by Colbie Caillat, and the Dove foundation, and a new country song released called Girl in a Country Song. Which is great, but they all give the wrong message. The answer to loneliness isn't to be confident in yourself, and not need anyone. We are imperfect, that's just the truth, and saying we are completely sufficient on our own is nonsense. We need to be confident in Christ, and we are designed for relationship. We do need people. We need our brothers and sisters. The need for intimacy and affirmation is rooted in us, we just need to seek it in the right places. Thats why these videos and campaigns may get us pumped up for a few minutes, but then at the end of the day we still feel brutally alone, and missing something.
Also, why do you think Eve was the final touch of creation? Adam was lonely, something was missing. God created Eve because creation was lacking without her. The union here to emphasize isn't necessarily marriage between Adam and Eve and how they completed each other. It's how they were unified with the Father. So now, Eves are not needed to fulfill Adams. Eves are needed to fulfill the Body of Christ as Adams are, its about the Kingdom. YOU ARE NEEDED. Your vulnerability is beautiful. Still guard your heart, but don't be ashamed of your incredible strength in continually loving and forgiving another. Don't shut down your emotion, its a beautiful piece of the heart of God that needs to be present.
We need to understand the importance of being a woman. As we are. Not what we need to do in order to be that godly woman, or what we need to be valuable. We need to understand our importance in the kingdom as it stands. We are important not because we can offer things in a marriage that a husband can't, we are needed in the kingdom as godly sisters because we fill a void in the body of Christ that our brothers aren't equipped with. That's what it's about. Representing Christ on earth. Not being married, or having a perfect union with another. Despite what people think. The true marriage that is desperately needed is the one between you and Christ. And that needs to be put up on a pedestal, that's how we honour Christ and allow ourselves to be an active part in the Kingdom.
But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.
1 Cor 12:18
This is a lot of talk, and trust me I do not follow this with my heart all the time. There are days where I have sat on my bed, bawling like a fool, and asking God why he would give me such a passion for marriage and motherhood, and then make me wait and watch all my friends get it. And if you are asking the same question I'll say that maybe he is readying your husband and moulding him to be the man who can honour you to full potential. Maybe you need to be moulded more yourself to be able to honour your husband the way God desires. If you don't understand, sharing your frustration with God is okay. I don't know a lot of things but I know that the blessings God has in store for us at the end of the tunnel is well worth it. It is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" -- the things God has prepared for those who love him." (1 Cor 2:9). Since I have started to completely focus on the Lord, everything has changed. I am not only satisfied with being single, I am happy. Which is something I couldn't even have said in my relationships. I do have my bad days, but all in all, I am a completely different person, experiencing a completely new intimacy with the Father.
If you don't remember anything about this article remember this: It is okay to yearn for relationships. Its not weak, or pathetic, its normal. Ladies, we were made in the image of Christ, which means our hearts and yearnings reflect that of God. Men were designed differently reflecting different parts of Christ's heart. So we shouldn't be ashamed of our strength in the area of vulnerability and longing for intimacy.
I am not writing this to give you answers or some 'how to' points. I am writing this so that hopefully, you can realize the value you already have as a woman. And your part in the world goes far beyond being a wife, mother, or whatever stereotype you have been trapped in. Not to say we are better than men. Trust me, I think men are great and I can't wait for some hunk to get down on one knee and grow in Christ with me (hahaha). Men are called to lead a family, women tend to see this as negative thing, when Christ really meant it as a blessing. They are meant to lead us because of how they were designed, and we are meant to take a different road, not because we are less important, but because we are meant to offer a number of things that men can't. Again not just within in a marriage, more importantly in the Body of Christ. We shouldn't be worried about how we will fufill a marriage role, we should be concerned with how we are fulfilling our roles in the kingdom right now. If we are doing that right, everything else follows after. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matt. 6:33). That is what truly matters, that is where our purpose lies.