Friday, 14 February 2014

If I'm Honest ...

It aches, and pulls. And pulls and aches. Lyrically inclined, I should be happy. I should be joyous. My God is alive, shouldn’t I be happy? Indeed I should, however as disappointing as it may be, my soul sits in sorrow. My mind is displeased, but my heart sings in sickly satisfaction as I succumb to the mess it coos to me. If I could just be that courageous lover. If I could be that person on Valentines day, though single, not needing to make declarations in confidence of how being single has made me better, and I quote on quote, “don’t need a man”. You don’t know how much I wish I was that person. But right now I’m sitting in the van on my way home to my country house where I grew up, to a home of people that love me, and all I can think about is how unloved  and undesired I feel. I call Valentine’s Day ‘Love Day’, to make it less painful, making the day about loving everyone, and for the record that is what I am saying. But off the record, I am that sad, pathetic woman, feeling alone, ignoring her Father’s love and wishing there was someone who would hold me tight in the middle of the night, someone who would actually stay. Someone who was in love with me, and not what I could do for them. So I confess. I am not happy, I am not confident on Valentine’s Day, I am not that godly woman on Love Day, 

I am that woman who has a little girl still in her standing on the corner waiting for someone to love her. Someone who is not a family member, but listening to society and its deception about needing another romantic person in order to be happy. My heart pangs with that lie. It was sung into my heart far too young. I wish I was confident. Maybe next year. Maybe next year I won’t be a disappointment, I won’t need to be on my own to learn to be confident in God and myself, maybe next year I will realize I’m good enough and it isn't my fault if someone couldn’t see I am more than enough. Maybe next year, I will be confident on Valentine’s Day, and I won’t need to spout off about how being single is okay, because I will know it. I will be happy on Love Day.

That’s what I have to say from my heart. My head is screaming “I know I can trust You Lord”. I know that I can trust you. I know that I can trust you. I know that I can trust you. I know that I can trust you…

I will praise You in this storm.

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