We all long for something. Have you ever looked at your life, when you have been caught in a moment of silence? Something is whispering, "You're not there yet". Whether it's the kind of person you want to be or the things you want to do, there are always loose ends of your awaiting dreams, just anticipating to be tied. It's not bad, you know - longing for something. I seem to always exhaust myself, trying to get 'there' - wherever 'there' is.
Every day is a challenge, trying to be perfect, trying to be the person I think I should be, or the person I feel God asks of me. I need to be pretty, fit, short brown hair, nose ring, and little makeup. Or no makeup at all, with skinny jeans and nice teeth. I need to travel here, here, and there. I need to read this, do this. I need to know how to dance, play piano, speak spanish and french, be kind, sports oriented and soft spoken, laugh loudly but have a quiet spirit. I need to be that. The problem is, I don't think desire and longing, was supposed to be exhausting.
The way I have been living, trying to reach everything at once, straining to be everything, just leaves me feeling more and more like a failure every day. This causes me to hesitate to come to the Lord, because I feel as though he expected more of me, when in reality, I expected more of me. Maybe even other people expected something else than what I could pull off that day/week/year, but He didn't expect that. He didn't expect everything. Then, falling on my knees, drained, spent from jumping through hoops I raised for myself, or others have raised, I realize I've been chasing ghosts. I could NEVER be what I was meant to be, if I am not the person God has made me to be already. He depicts my character, he moulds me into HIS own artwork, I only am to go to him, and ask to be what he wants, what he requires, what he thinks is uniquely beautiful in accordance with my purpose. I will touch the people whom he places in my path, I will be loved by the people HE calls to love me, and they will love ME, the art, the gold, the treasure that he has formed, by living in me and changing me as I hide in him. If you asked me who I am, I would probably come up with a million different things, striving to justify that my character deserves love, that is worthy of being valued. But in reality, the thing that is actually worth anything, is the value that is HIM, who I am in Christ. I could chase until I am out of breath, but it's the same as running in circles, I will never get anywhere.
It is good to long to be something great, to do great things. As long as you want them for the right reasons. Hunger is good, is gives you a drive, and makes the reward at the end of the fight that much sweeter. But know, that longing was never something meant to exhaust, it was meant to drive, to sanctify, and to be fulfilled when all God desires to be accomplished, is finished. For the time being, he satisfies by walking with us through the longing, getting us to that point where we long for Him alone. When that happens, then we are truly blessed, why? Because the Father pours out himself into our lives and hearts gladly, when we near ourselves to him. There will never be too much or too little of God. So go to the fountain, and stop trying to be the person you think is more worthy. It's just a mirage, something that lies, saying better is coming if you would just try a little harder.
Better is here and now, better is falling deeper into the heart of God, and he's already calling Your name.
Sarah-Beth
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